[Stonkin_Boner]

Stumbled on some stuff. Hope you enjoy.


Note: This is an extract of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster,
and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military
installation.

INTERVIEWER: " So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys
when they visit your base?"
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."
INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! that's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."
INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, ....we will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before
they even touch a firearm."
INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."
GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"
The interviewer went very quiet, and the broadcast was terminated.

[Stonkin_Boner]

The British Military writes EPRs which are officer fitness reports. The form used for Royal Navy
and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's
"206s"....

- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
- I would not breed from this Officer.
- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.
- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously
in there.
- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
- Technically sound, but socially impossible.
- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope, always spinning around at a frantic pace,
but not really going anywhere.
- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged
considerably.
- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers
to carry him from bar to bar.
- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

[Stonkin_Boner]

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do
you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want
a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown
wabby over there?"
The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink
my pyfon really giveths a thit."

--------------------------------------------------------

The preacher's wife was making Sunday dinner, when the preacher walked in the house and says
"that ham smells wonderful." His wife replies "That's a Dam-Ham." The preacher was surprised by
his wife's use of profanity. She showed him the wrapper and explained that was the brand name of
the ham. They sat down for dinner and the preacher says to his son, "Son, pass me the dam-ham."
and his son replies, "that's the spirit, Pop, now pass me the fucking potatoes"

-------------------------------------------------------

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the
gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword
puzzle. 'This is fantastic,' thought the gentleman. 'I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the
Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance.'
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a
four letter word that ends in 'unt' are refers to a woman?" Only one word leapt to mind... a vulgar one.
'I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another,' thought the gentleman. Then, it hit him.
He turned to the Pope and said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."
"Of course!" exclaimed the Pope. "I don't suppose you happen to have an eraser? "

[Stonkin_Boner]

Q. What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A. They can both smell it, but can't eat it.

Q. You know why they say that eating oysters will improve a man's sex life?
A. Because women know if he'll eat one of those, he'll eat anything!

Q. Why does a bride smile when she's walking down the aisle?
A. She knows she's given her last blow job.

Q. Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
A. Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

Q. What is the definition of "making love"?
A. Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

Q. What's the only animal with an asshole in the middle of its back?
A. A police horse.

Q. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
A. They're hiring.

Q. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
A. They are fun to ride but you don't want your friends to find out.

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.

Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog.
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q. Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
A. Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

Q. What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?
A. An elephant with diarrhea.

Q. What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his ass.

Q. What is the smallest hotel in the world?
A. A pussy, cause you have to leave the bags outside.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A. Well hung.

Q. What two words will clear out a men's changing room quicker than anything else?
A. Nice dick!

[Sexybitch]

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

[Sexybitch]

Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex!"
And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!"
And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!"

[Sexybitch]

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."

[Sexybitch]

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered,
"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!"
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a nice, tight butt!"

[Stonkin_Boner]

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" ...

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.

What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.

A man inserted an ad in the classified: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a
hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your
sleep.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and
then it was too late."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father
replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

I married Miss Right ... I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months...I don't like to interrupt her.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife
until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

[moffyz]

very funny

[Stonkin_Boner]

Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A. A navel.

Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.

Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.
A. The thief was spending less than his wife.

Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.

Q. How do men sort out their laundry?
A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable.

Q. Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
A. Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.

Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts.

Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A. He worked it out with a pencil.

Q. Who's the world's greatest athlete?
A. The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.

Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"

Q. What's in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?
A. The captains log.

Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a ''quickie'', only you do it yourself.

Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.

Q. How do you know when your wife is really dead?
A. Your sex life is the same but your washing pile gets bigger.

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant
A. Marry it.

Q. How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
A. Give it a nipple.

Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A. When his hand caught on fire.

Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A. Gagged

[Stonkin_Boner]

	Quote: Originally Posted by moffyz very funny

Hiya moffyz. Glad you are enjoying. Hope you stick around.

[StoneTheCrow]

Good thread,there be funny shit inside.

[Stonkin_Boner]

Daily Mail. Thurs. Nov.20. 2008

Just a few 'understatements' from various quarters.

ODD BALL

"Barbados, an island completely surrounded by water."
(Sky Sports 1)

"It's so invisible, you can't see it."
(Katie Price)

ATHLETICS

"Once you have thrown the javelin, it's out of your hands."
(Tessa Sanderson,Olympic Gold Medalist)

"The Great North Run, is the longest half-marathon in the world."
(Talksport Radio)

BOXING

"Fights can be lost and won on the day of the fight."
(David Haye)

"He (Ricky Hatton) was unbeaten until he lost."
(Artist, Sir Peter Blake)

"Calzaghe has managed to keep all his personal problems out of his life."
(Former fighter Duke McKenzie)

"I've gone from being a global champion, to being a world-wide champion."
(Boxer Ricky Hatton)

CYCLING

"This is the steepest part of the course, and I am afraid it gets steeper later on."
(Commentator Phil Liggett)

POLITICS

"He'll be haunted by that, not for the rest of his life, but until the day he dies."
(SNP leader Alex Salmond)

"Dispatches lifts the lid on New Labour - The Blunkett tapes - from the man
that saw it all." (**Blunkett is blind, for those who don't know)
(Channel 4 tv)

"Once MPs have left the chamber following Prime Ministers Questions,
Jacqui Smith, the Home Secretary, can start on cannabis."
(BBC news)

"When we're doing well, we all enjoy the wind our colleagues produce."
(Justice Secretary Jack Straw)

"However she (Hilary Clinton) cuts the cake, she has a huge mountain to
climb."
(Reporter James Kumrasarmi) + (WTF?, S_Boner)

FOOTBALL

"It was as clear as night is day."
(Commentator Alan Green)

"Berbatov can see things with the outside of his boot."
(Commentator Alvin Martin)

"He's the kind of player you only miss when he's not playing."
(Ex England Manager Graham Taylor)

"We are a long way from being where we are."
(Liverpool's Steven Gerrard)

"We're not as good as we think we are. We have to go out there and prove
that."
(Steve McClaren)

"I'm not saying he's going to field a weaker team; it just won't be as strong."
(Match of the Day's Mark Lawrenson)

"30 per cent of the black players (in the Premier League) are black..."
(Paul Elliott)

HORSES

"Later on, we'll be talking to Zara Phillips, who won this years Horse of the
Year award."
(Pundit Andy Townsend) + (How right you are, S_Boner)

MOTOR SPORT

"We're looking for fractions of a second here, rather than tenths."
(Ex-driver Martin Brundle)

ROWING

"Cambridge have won the Boat Race. Oxford were second."
(BBC Radio Bristol's Geoff Twentyman) + (No shit. They are the only teams
that take part, S_Boner)

RUGBY

"Obviously, the changing room's full of ecstacy and everybody's happy..."
(Ex-England captain Lawrence Dallaglio)

TENNIS

"A win is a win... except, of course, when it's not a win, then it's not a win."
(Champion Venus Williams)

"Andy Murray: the last British man in the men's or women's draw."
(John Inverdale)

[Stonkin_Boner]

These were sent to me by my bro-in-law.
I found them damn funny, but the last one, although funny, is wrong and is the correct move to ban it.

YouTube - Umbro - Banned Commercial - sexy soccer...

YouTube - banned beer commercial

YouTube - VW banned tv commercial Bollocks

[dryden]

Some good amusement here. haha

[Stonkin_Boner]

Irish jokes, where's CC when you need him ?

If anyone needs some words explaining, let me know.


Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy
missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!

----------------------------------------------------------------

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy odered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let
liquor touch my lips!'
Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a
choice!'

----------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people
are flying with you?'
Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your fooking plane!!'

----------------------------------------------------------------

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours
of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'

----------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses &
lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want dont you?'
'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'

----------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?
A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a
dodgy one!

----------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not
servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a
death trap!

----------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy's chat up lines:
1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts
tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a
light switch away!

----------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbour's dog is barking like
mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'
Paddy replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'

----------------------------------------------------------------

An Irishman is shagging a Jewish girl & says 'You're not very tight for a
Jew!'
She says 'Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!'

----------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!'

----------------------------------------------------------------

Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say
'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'
Paddy says 'Whats his name?'
Mick replies 'Miles from London!'

----------------------------------------------------------------

An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past &
stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick twats like
you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the
fook out of you if I could swim!'

[Stonkin_Boner]

Kids never cease to amuse......


HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like
it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all
way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have
something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to
go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I 'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they
wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig , age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them.
It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.-- Ricky, age 10